A Little Gem

I remember being a kindergardener and having my mother tell me the world did not revolve around me. This came as a shock. Like most five-year-olds I was convinced that I was the center of the universe. The realization that other people had needs that mattered just as much as mine, need not have been a rude one, but it was. I wasn’t ready for it. I went into my bedroom and cried my eyes out. Eventually I came out,  a very different little girl -- looking at the world very differently. 

Over the subsequent years of my childhood my mother also told me “Put your nose to the grindstone,” “Take that chip off your shoulder,” “Get down off of your high horse,” “Wipe that smirk off of your face,”  “Don’t say anything unless you have something nice to say,” and that “Life is not a party.” Had she not, on the other-hand offered up hope with  “You could wear a burlap sack and pull it off with a smile on your face,” “Beauty is in the eyes

of the beholder,” “Beauty is as beauty does,” “The eyes are the windows to the soul,” “God know the hairs on your head,” and “Good things come to those who wait,” I may not have had any will to live.

I had a happy childhood, don’t get me wrong, but it was tough keeping a sense of self and a sense of self-worth with a mother who constantly painted  reality in ugly colors. Her version of the world was shaded from her childhood -- growing up poor, post Depression, and during the World War II era. She considered sacrifice and “going without” part of life and wanted me to. Clothing was only purchased when it was “On Sale,” taking long or frequent showers was “wasting water”,  somehow I felt responsible for the expense of groceries, and I was told to “Put a sweater on!” in the wintertime rather than move the thermostat setting above 60 degrees fahrenheit. Given my sensitive nature, and not necessarily because of my mother, I developed a very real challenge to love and accept myself.  I wanted to be OK with just being alive, and not have to justify my existence. I wanted to be happy.

Without pressure, there would be no diamonds. Without sand irritating a mollusk, there would be no pearls. Without my mother, I would not have gone seeking the gems of wisdom buried in the Self-help section of libraries and book stores. --  I am not the center of The Universe, but I am the center of My Universe. My life, my universe,  can be painted any way I wish, beautiful or ugly. -- While it is true that other people have needs and rights, theirs do not supersede mine anymore than mine does theirs.  - - I am perfect, just the way I am. -- I deserve happiness. -- I am lovable and loving. Life is good. I am God blessed. 

The little girl who went into her bedroom and came out a different person has grown up to discover that not only can life be a party, it is one! She has learned that every party has presents,  and so she has become present in her own life. Her loving presence is a gift she has given to herself.